To My Father.

One morning, I watched a father and daughter. They entered the train car hand in hand.

"Daddy, my Dora bag is heavy!"
"Well, there's really nothing in there."
"But I have all my books...and stuff!"
"Do you want me to help you?"
"No..! I can do it!"

The daughter twirled herself around her father's arm and continued to speak to him, telling him of what she wanted to read when she got to school, telling him of this friend and that teacher. A minute later,

"Can you please help me?"
"What do you need help with?"
"My bag. It's soooooo heavy."

She slumped her shoulders. He held out his open hand and she shrugged off her bag. It was in fact, very light. You could hear a book (I imagined it to be a Bearstein book) and a paper folder sliding against one another.

Whenever I see father-daughter interactions, I miss my own.

I miss when he would put me on his shoulders or piggyback me because I told him my legs hurt, when really, all I wanted was to be held up higher so I could see above the heads of other adults. I remember the times when my mom would work early mornings so he would have to get my siblings and me ready for school. He would sit me down and comb my thick, unruly lion-like hair and pull it into a ponytail. I told him once that I wanted my hair braided. He thought for a second and told me he would do something better; he put my hair into two pigtails by the base of my head. Everybody liked it at school and I was really proud of my father.

Now, I am too big for him to carry. I am too old to sit in front of him and have my hair combed and split into pigtails. But I will always be proud of my father.

Even in My Dreams, I Run.

I hate when you watch me sleep.

Sometimes I can't wake from my dreams. I want them to end so badly. I'll run and run and run, hoping to reach the end of my mind, just to find myself at the edge of a body of water. No matter where my brain is or the images and people my brain projects, there will always be a body of water. Here, I make one of two decisions: to either run along the edge of the water or to dive in. I cannot swim. I'm almost certain my dream-self cannot swim. And for the past 20-some-odd years, I've always opted to keep running. I always run from the night terrors that I know will reach me if I do not run fast enough.

Last night, I was tired of running. Finally, I pushed back my fears of drowning and dove into the body of water.

I began to sink only to find myself on shore again. Running again. Still running. Always running.

On nights I cannot escape from my own mind, you know you can't do anything so you hold me and wait for it to pass. One day, I hope you are strong enough to just let me go.

On Why I Don't Watch Movie Trailers.

You know what I hate these days? When I watch a movie trailer and I get super psyched to watch the actual movie but then I go watch it, it's a disappointment because all the action and drama was shown in the trailers. The same trailers that hyped me up in the first place.

Watching movies in NYC isn't cheap either. It's like I pay $13 to watch a 2 minute trailer. That's 2 minutes of intensity in an hour and some long movie.

With that being said, I watched The Hunger Games the weekend it came out. I watched 30 seconds of the trailer and told myself to stop. I've read the books and so of course I already know what will should happen. I'm going to be one of those pretentious people who sit there pointing at the screen and whispering to my friends, "OH-EM-GEE, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK." Guilty. Yeah, I'm that girl.

On Why You Should Let Me Borrow Your Library Card.

Me: hey do you have a library card?
GY: um, not for new york
 Me : for jersey?
Me: YES
Me: PLS
Me: *CRIES*
GY: start from the beginning
Me: *adfhajkfadf
Me: I WANT TO READ A BOOK
Me: but i've been on the hold list since january
Me: there are only 5 copies
Me: and for the past 2 months i've been number 15
Me: and now i'm number 14 in the hold list
Me: so i went on overdrive.com to see if in ebook form
Me: and the only place that shows up...
Me: is jersey libs
GY: which ones?
Me: [list of libraries]
GY: my card is for none of those
Me: ...
Me: WHAT
GY: if Monmouth is on there
Me: AH OK
Me: PLS HOLD
GY: then yes, I can help
Me: YES IT'S ON HERE
Me: OMGASH THIS IS GREAT.
Me: would you mind if i take over your online acct then?
Me: to read ebooks?
Me: they actually return automatically so you wont ever have a fine
Me: *cries* PLEEEEASE
Me: NYPLs HAVE SUCH LONG DAMN WAITS
Me: you dont know how long ive been waiting to read this book
Me: i almost contemplated BUYING IT.
GY: you could always return it for the price of tax
Me: ...no
Me: support libraries!
GY: ok then you can buy it and donate it to the library, since there's only 5 copies in all of NYC
GY: your generosity would make it 6
Me: there were originaly 9 copies
Me: 4 COPIES GOT LOST OVER 3 MONTHS
Me: THREE MONTHS!
Me: HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU, READERS OF NYC
Me: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Me: omg i sound crazy


* * *

Moral of the story: If you borrow books from your local public library, please return them in a timely manner. Otherwise, people like me, might have anxiety attacks. Not really, but maybe. It's not the end of the world. But really, it might be. It's just...RUDE to lose something that everybody else wants to share. Who do you think you are?

And yes, GY is totally right and I could buy the book and then donate it but come on, let's be real. I'm a student and I can barely afford my textbooks. :)

What Kind of Finish Do You Want?

This past weekend, my roommates and I went to Home Depot to buy paint for our new apartment. We spent a total of four hours getting paint. I learned that painting is a very scientific process. It's also not cheap.

Me: I need...this color. *hands him color card*
Worker: Okay, we need the actual paint.
Me: Oh, yeah...here. *hands him a gallon of paint*
Worker: This is the wrong brand.
Me: Oh. I don't know then.

The worker then leads me to another aisle to face more paint. HONESTLY? REALLY?! THEY LOOK THE SAME!

Worker: What kind of finish do you want?
Me: Oh, well I mean...I guess dry. That's the only way it should finish right?
Worker: ...............Well, yeah. But....what kind of finish do you want? Flat? Eggshell? Semi-glass? High gloss?

-____-

NOW BEFORE YOU ALL JUDGE ME, I SWEAR I WAS NOT TRYING TO BE A COMPLETE IDIOT. I don't know what I was thinking. Okay, I wasn't thinking. I was just hungry.

Not that any of you care, but I got eggshell. In sunflower yellow. It looks like a school bus sharted in my room.