On Bringing Home Boys.

My roommates are pretty much the best. They're like the older sisters I never had and really wanted.

There have been mornings when they've woken up to find another stranger on our futon. At first they were confused: Who were these guys? And why did I let them sleep on the futon and not my bed? Needless to say, I think they've gotten used to seeing them there and no longer ask questions.

Recently, we had a conversation about this.

Roommate #1: Why don't these boys go home if they can't get in your pants?
Me: I don't know...?
Roommate #1: What do you even do?
Me: Well, usually we sit and talk for a little bit. Then I tell them I'm need to use the bathroom and then I never go back to the living room.
Roommate #1: And they stay?
Me: Well, they usually knock on my door before they leave in the morning.
Roommate #1: If a girl wasn't giving it up to me, I'd be out of here without hesitation.
Roommate #2: It's because you're too accommodating.
Roommate #1: Maybe not, one time a guy didn't even have a pillow.
Roommate #2: You just need to act surprised and say, "Oh you're still here?" They'll leave.
Roomate #1: There's got to be something all of these guys have in common. What is it? Are they all young?
Me: Well, they come from all walks of life and range in age.
Roommate #1: Something's wrong with them. All of them.
Roommate #2: If they keep coming around, I'm going to start charging per night. Even if they don't get laid.
Roommate #1: We will be running a no-sex brothel. Wonderful.

Yes, most of the time, boys will bring me back to my apartment. And yes, almost all of them will always ask to use the bathroom. And because I don't take bladder issues lightly, I usually always let them up. (I'm too trusting for my own good. I should probably learn how to say 'no.' This could one day be my downfall.)

Why don't they end up in my bed?
1. Because I'm a prude (hahahhh).
2. I've also come to like sleeping in my bed alone, therefore I never let them step inside my bedroom.
3. I don't find the sexual tension or chemistry between any of the guys I've gone on dates with, remotely worthy of stripping down to my undergarments.
4. Okay--it's probably most likely because by the end of the night, I don't really want to have sex at all because I'm so damn tired.

The Naked Man.

There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Robin goes on a blind date and at the end of the date, the guy gets naked and Robin engages in a one night stand. Ted, Marshall, and Barney knight this as "The Naked Man." Robin's date says it works two out of three times. If you live under a rock and haven't seen it, you need to.

* * *

With that said, if a friend ever asks you for a favor to meet up with her cousin/friend/colleague/whatever, you say yes because they're probably normal too. LOL --- A few weeks ago, an unnamed friend messaged me to hang out with her cousin who was in New York. I agreed. I mean, she's super cool so he should be too right? Birds of a feather are supposed to flock together.

That weekend I met her cousin. We instantly hit it off. He was easy-going, funny, and drank like a tank (or so it seemed). The unmentioned friend didn't lie. And while he wasn't smoking hot, he was a good looking fella. The night progressed wonderfully. My friends got drunk. He got drunk. I got drunk. We danced and laughed, literally every single second of the night. By 4am, we all stumbled out the club wondering where to go. He (easily) persuaded me to go back to his place.

When we got back to where he was staying, he told me I could sleep anywhere then proceeded to use the bathroom. There were only two futons, but I stood. (haha, yeah I'm a champ.) When he came out of the bathroom, he was naked.

Butt naked. Shamelessly. He shook his member-penis-thing and started walking towards me. HE PULLED THE NAKED MAN ON ME! He shook his penis at me!!!

"Uh what are you doing, dude?" I asked.
No answer.
"You're drunk. You should put your clothes on and go to sleep." I started searching for his clothes but they were nowhere to be found. He threw himself onto a futon and patted the area beside him.
"You should sleep!" He told me. "Here."
"It's okay. I'll sleep on this futon." I sat down on the other futon.

I contemplated going home but I had twisted my ankle as we were walking to his place so I wasn't really in any condition to walk anywhere. And goddamn, this was a friend's cousin. Harmless! Nothing I couldn't handle. As I started to drift off to sleep, I heard stomping. When I opened my eyes, his penis was dangling on top of me. Waaaaahhhhhh!!!

"Move. I want to sleep here." I sat up and let him take the futon. As I got up to go to the other futon, he grabbed my hand. "No. Stay." I waited for him to lay back down. Then I patted his ROCK HARD...ABS. GEEZUS! HIS ABS!! *DEATH* I wanted to cuddle on him but I couldn't. I kept telling myself--THIS IS A FRIEND'S COUSIN. but his abs were so dreamy. freeeak! his entire body was. come on! i'm allowed to live a little. how was i supposed to know he'd be packing a 6-pack and such a tight body under all his clothes?!?! homeboy be feelin' lookin' real good

As soon as his breathing slowed down, I got up to lay down on the other futon. He followed me of course. But this time, he started rubbing his man-parts on me. Then he put half his body on me. While it was tempting, I couldn't. I kept saying, "But you're *****'s cousin. I can't. Think about *****. What would she say? This isn't right." I repeated that over and over again. No matter how much he advanced, I held my ground and kept pushing him away. It was difficult (mostly because he was strong but also because my flesh is almost weak), but I just kept thinking about his cousin and how much shit I would probably get from her. Total lady-wood killer!

Eventually after a lot of body rubbing and dry humping, he rolled over onto his back and turned to look at me.
"Will you hold my hand?"
"What?...."
"Hold my hand."
So I held my hand out for him to hold. And he held it. Oh yeah, he held it all night long.

I woke up a few hours later and he was still fine and naked as naked and fine could be. I put my shoes on and staggered out as the sun started to rise. It wasn't the walk of shame, I mean come on--I didn't even get laid. So don't judge me!

 Did I mention, he smelled like summer. Like sunshine and beaches and ocean water. He smelled like summer. GAHH! But it doesn't matter. He still did the Naked Man. And according to HIMYM, I'm the one-third of women (and men, I suppose) who do not fall for the Naked Man. I don't know if I should be ashamed or proud of this. Probably the latter, but ...SUMMER AND ROCK HARD ABS?!

But seriously, has that ever happened in real life, and does it actually work? Oh Hollywood--the expectations you have.

Heart-to-Heart With My Baby Brother #2.

My baby brother is the most precious person I know. He doesn't miss a thing and for a 7 year old, he has amazing memory and insight. (I think he remembers all the names of the boyfriends I've brought home.)

With wedding season already here, he's been thinking and talking about weddings and marriage a lot. We recently talked about my sister's upcoming wedding in July. While he's excited for it, it seems as if he's more concerned about my lack of marriage proposals. He's like my mom, but in child form and less naggy.

CM: When are you getting married?
Me: I'm not sure yet.
CM: Are you everrrr going to get married?
Me: I don't know. I want to stay with you forever.
CM: NOOOOO! I want you to get married.
Me: But why?
CM: So you can have a friend-forever.

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