An Evaluation of My 2012 New Year's Resolution.

I'm all about making goals that are attainable. No, I don't mean easy goals. I'm talking about goals that can be planned for and executed with the utmost perfection, which of course I am. Ha, I kid. But real talk, I wanted to set a resolution that would sharpen me as a person and better me as an addition to society.

My 2012 New Year's resolution was to read directions, carefully. Keyword: carefully.

Pre-2012 me: *LOOKS AT IKEA FURNITURE* YEAH I GOT THIS without ever touching the diagrammed Ikea directions included (which, let's be honest, don't really make sense to begin with). The results weren't ever good and I always had to ask somebody to do help me with it. It also usually resulted with me in fetal position, sobbing in a corner wondering why, as an adult, I couldn't do anything right.

Post-resolution me: DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. LET ME READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FIRST AND THEN WE CAN PROCEED. This usually results in properly put-together furniture and a good understanding of maps which caused me to never get lost. There was also sometimes free food involved.

While many have failed their resolutions of losing weight, staying sober, staying abstinent, staying single, or whatever else they resoluted, I have prospered. Kind of. It was difficult to curb my anticipations just so I could read a crummy piece of paper to see how something should be done correctly. Sometimes, the instructions made me feel awesome because I learned something new. Other times, the instructions were BULL CRAP that didn't make any sense.

With the exception of an incidence that occurred while preparing Christmas Eve dinner, this was a New Year's resolution I saw all the way through. Though it took me longer to put furniture together and follow recipes, I'm content that I can thoroughly follow directions well now. (Something I should have learned in grade school.)

And it might not matter to any of you, but it matters to me because I'm the worst at following directions.
* * *
2012, you were both cruel and kind to me but what I've learned this year is that I'm the maker of every reaction to the moments I experience. I'm in control of my life and it's time to take back what I've carelessly given away and make something newer and better of it.

2013, whatever you have in store, just know that you're just another year with days for me to conquer.

Happy New Year, friends!

The Christmas Eve's Eve ShopRite Incidence.

While in the 20-items-or-less line, the woman behind me kept pushing her cart into my cart while I was in front of it which in turn pushed up against my side as I stood waiting for my turn to be rung up. Usually I'd give people like this the crazed-eyed death stare because no amount of pushing is going to make the cashier work any faster and it definitely wouldn't have made me move any faster. But I was determined to have a stress-free holiday so I ignored it.

When the cashier finished ringing my items up and turned to help me bag my items, I pulled out my wallet to pay him, but instead the woman pushed cash into the cashier's hand.

"Oh, wait, I'm sorry--these are my groceries," I said, confused.
"I know. I'd like to pay for them." She gently pushed my hand away.
".....errr...but that's really alright. I've got it."
"I'm sure you do. But I'd like to pay for them, if you don't mind."

OF COURSE I DON'T MIND! I MEAN, PAY FOR MY GROCERIES? HAIL-YES! BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE YOUR KINDNESS! We stood there blinking at one another for a few seconds. What was I supposed to? I felt warm and fuzzy inside, so I did what I normally do when I feel warm and fuzzy inside: I got teary eyed. And smiled. She smiled back. "Well, go on and stop holding up the line already." She nudged her cart once more into my side.

I finished bagging my items and as I carted away, I realized I forgot to thank her. I turned around and almost ran into her with my cart.

"Thank you. For paying for my groceries. It's very kind of you and I appreciate it a lot."
"It's my pleasure, dear."
"Merry Christmas."

Then she took me into her arms and hugged me, gently patted me on the back and said, "Merry Christmas."
* * *
I don't think I've experienced this kind of kindness from a stranger in a very long time. Or ever, really. Whether it was because of the holiday spirit or not, I truly hope that this is the kind of kindness I can aspire to have, maintain, and pass on. Kindness truly is contagious.

On Eavesdropping and Minding Your Own Business.

I ran into a friend on my commute yesterday morning. Being that we see each other often, I avoided the small talk and immediately asked him about his job search and lady friend. He told me she's leaving soon and that he's not sure how he's going to deal with the long distance.

"I don't know if we can do long distance."
"Well, if you knew that, why'd you start anything in the first place?"
"I don't know. Just to try, I guess."
"I never understood that. Starting something with somebody, growing attached, and then having to let them go. It's just...difficult, don't you think?"

Before he could respond, the train arrived at his stop. We exchanged goodbyes and as I watched him leave I heard somebody mutter something nearby. I ignored it. You know--because living in the Big Apple (why do they call it that??) has made me really good at ignoring words and people, especially on trains. I also really hate that awkward eye contact you make and then have to quickly dart your eye away to the space underneath their ears in hopes they didn't think it was a moment.

Then the muttering got clearer, "I think people start something and grow attached without the intention to really let them go."

Then he said it a little louder, "Excuse me...I don't think people start something and grow attached without the intention to really let that person go. It just happens."

As I walked out of the train, I turned to see the face of the voice of what I assumed to be a hopeless romantic. And boom, that was enough for him to hold his finger up to try and stop me from being carried away with the rush hour crowd. I didn't stop. Who the hell stops and starts a conversation with somebody who eavesdrops on a conversation?!? (We weren't even talking that loudly, how could he even eavesdrop?!)

He caught up with me somewhere on the stairs and this time, more confidently, "You really can't think that people just get into relationships thinking that it'll ultimately end in heartbreak."

Again, I tried to ignore him by zig-zagging through my fellow commuters. Still, he kept up. "You can't. You can't possibly tell me that you think people think far ahead enough to stop themselves from falling in love with somebody?"

I guess I had had it because the next thing I did was turn around to rudely say, "Ughh, just mind your own business dude!" Then I flipped my hair, turned on my heel in my pink sneakers, and stormed down the ramp to my next train in my true dramatic style. (This--what I do--I've learned, is truly dramatic and completely unnecessary but I can't help it.)

Weird, creepy guy averted. Wrong.

As I got into the elevator at work, I heard a stomping of feet and an arm fly between the closing elevator doors. UGH! The only alone time I have in the mornings is oftentimes this elevator ride up 19 floors. WHYYY WORLD, WHYYYYYYY?!?! And who, but the man who I just told to mind his own business, walked in.

It was like the entire point he was trying to make earlier was mocking me. This of course made me want to wail and shake my fist in the air. So I did what any normal person would've done: I pretended that I had never ever seen him in my life and ignored him. It didn't work.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I really think you're wrong. Or you've been extremely hurt in the past."
"....."
"I just think that people don't start relationships thinking or knowing anything that far ahead."
"....."
I think the awkward silence in that elevator was enough to last me a lifetime. No more awkward silences for me, thank you.
"Which floor?" I pointed to the buttons without looking at him.

He pushed a button on his side and stayed silent the rest of the short ride up. At the 17th floor mark, he took out a business card and handed it to me.

"I'd like to take you out sometime. Please give me a call if you're interested."

I looked at his card from the corner of my eye. Ugh, he does work in this building. I didn't reach out to grab it. And it's not even the fact that I'm seeing somebody that deters me from taking his card. It's the fact that I am just so annoyed.

"Don't over-think it. It's just dinner or drinks or something really chill, if you'd like."

Pfft. Me? Over-think? Yeah right. As if I could over-think anything if I tried.

"I'm actually with somebody. Thanks, though."

He smiled genuinely and tucked his card back into his pocket. Part of me almost felt bad for telling him to mind his own business earlier. But not. Because I am heartless and have no soul.

I think I just really wanted to be alone in that elevator.