"Before we go, I have to do something," he told me. Oh no, I thought, he's not really a man. He's probably a robot. Or a vegan. "Come here."
I leaned in, hesitantly, hoping he wasn't going to tell me that he was really a cyborg here on earth to capture me because I was really the love child of some cyborg king-bot from a universe far, far away. "Close your eyes."
"What? No. Why?" Who the hell tells anybody to close their eyes. Unless you're about to surprise me with an Eiffel Tower-sized room full of muffin tops, I won't ever close my eyes for you. Never.
"Ugh, just close them," he insisted.
"No," I politely declined.
"You're ruining the moment."
"What moment?"
He backed away from me and glared at me. Ah, in retrospect, I was probably being a buzzkill.
"I just want to kiss you. Can't I do that?!" He threw his hands up.
"Oh. No. No, you can't just kiss me. You don't ask to kiss me. You just do it."
"I'm trying to just kiss you! But you're being difficult."
"I don't want to."
"What? What's wrong with you?"
WHAT?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? HOMEBOY, DID YOU JUST ASK WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? OHHAILNO YOU DI'INT.
So then I laughed in his face. I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do at that point. He already thought I was crazy. Would it really hurt my image any more if I just spiraled downward into insanity?
In all seriousness though, I don't like kissing. Kissing is weird. This may be due to the fact that I don't know how to properly kiss. Which is probably derived from the fact that I don't ever really have anybody to kiss. Which comes down to the root problem that I'm probably just a bad kisser and the entire world knows about it. Or because I'm a mildly paranoid germaphobe. Or all of the above.
Or maybe I just think too much.
Labels: cyborgs, kissing, laughing at a person who asks what's wrong with you will fix everything, muffin tops, why-you-kay