It was like any other Thursday night. It was just a few minutes past 6 o'clock and I had just emerged from the train station, speed-walking the block home so I could, you know--partake in number two in the privacy of my home. The sidewalk was emptier than usual but it wasn't as if I hadn't ever walked home like that. I actually didn't even notice how empty the street was until the after incident happened.
From the corner of my eyes, I noticed him cross the street towards me. I dismissed this and continued forward. I felt the air around me shift. I glanced down at the sidewalk and saw that there was another shadow circling back and forth around mine. Then I felt it, a tug. I gripped my shoulder strap tighter and immediately thought--NOOO! I'M SO POOR. I'M THE WORST PERSON TO ROB! I ONLY HAVE MY KINDLE, THE ONLY THING OF VALUE ON MY BODY!!! DON'T TAKE MY HAPPINESS AWAY FROM ME!
Instead, I slowed down and cautiously turned to look behind me. BOOM! I let out the biggest and loudest fart I've ever made. I felt it vibrate through the sidewalk and echo down the street. It was literally a boom. And then I immediately thought UGHHH I HOPE HE DIDN'T HEAR THAT NASTY ASS FART.
We stood, face to face, his hand holding onto the bottom of my bag and me with my eyes as wide as they could possibly stretch thinking I had probably shit my pants. It sure felt like it. His mouth stretched out into a creepy grin and I felt his hand pull away.
I always thought that if I was ever in such a situation, I would just punch the perpetrator in the throat and then stomp on his man-bits. I mean that's what I've always been told to do by my guy friends.
But I couldn't move. I just froze. My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my eyes. Then he sprinted away from me. I think I wanted to cry. But I also think I wanted to laugh because it was so absurd. I had just farted the loudest, most nastiest fart ever in my life in the company of somebody who had scared me half to death. Who knows what he was trying to do. I just didn't know what to do so I awkwardly stood in the middle of the sidewalk, shivering, until other commuters started coming out of the train station.
(This next part may be gross and very unladylike but this is my blog so I do what I want.)
I got home and tried to poop but couldn't. There wasn't any poop that night. Or the next morning. I think I was backed up that entire weekend. It hurt.
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I know I'm poking fun at this and maybe that's my defense mechanism for dealing with stress and anxiety but I have been taking the long way home from the train station when I'm alone, which happens to be on a busier, more lit street.
I suppose this is even more alarming for myself because my roommate sent me this link.
No matter how safe your neighborhood is, there's always an off-chance that something may happen. It really can happen to anybody, anywhere so I just want you all to be cautious of your surroundings. I don't want anything to happen to any of you.
Labels: be aware of your surroundings, girls fart too, it could have happened to anybody, my priorities may be sort of fked up, safety