My Mother's Happiness.

"Do you want to go to SALT?"
"Umm...not really, Mom."
"Why? You could meet a nice boy and maybe he'll like you too, if you don't talk too much."
"But I want him to like when I talk too much."
"And maybe he will like you enough to marry you."
"I don't think I want that."
"Is it the money? I'll pay for your registration."
"No, it's okay Mom. I just don't want to go."
"I'm trying to help you! You need to get out there and meet more boys!"
"I just ...want to focus on my life and my career."
"I know! I just want you to be happy. And taken care of. Because that would make me happy."

***SALT is supposed to stand for Single Adults Living Triumphantly. When I was younger, my friends and I used to joke that it was Single Adults Last Try. I think it was because most of the attendees were old and it seemed like one of those church events where people went to meet other singles. (And back then, old meant 25. UGH I'M OLD!)

* * *
Dear Mom,

According to your papers, you're supposed to be 51. But we all know that's a damn lie and that you're actually in your mid-40s. Quite frankly, you could pass for late 30s. I know it bothers you that you're getting older. Why? Because all you think about (for the most part) is death. You've already told me this, by telling me to take life insurance for you and Dad. This made me worried. Are you hiding some kind of cancer from me? Are you thinking about just running away and leaving your five children to fend for themselves? Please don't. I miss you too hard already to even think about walking this earth without your presence on it.

You were so young when you married my father, a man you first saw on your wedding day, lived as his wife, and gave him five obnoxious and needy children. I wonder sometimes, if you had dreams of being more than a wife and mother. I wonder if you wanted to travel the world, read foreign literature, and save the world.

But all the wondering in the world does not erase reality. And reality is, you became the single greatest and most important person in my life. (And I'm sort of a big deal.)

One of my most vivid memories of us was of me waking up early to watch you get ready for work. I actually just sat in front of the TV and watched Sailor Moon until you told me school didn't start for another three hours and that I should go back to sleep because I needed to be well rested to focus in school. Because to you, education is a way to make a better life. It would be the key to being able to provide for myself without depending on others. And it would open my mind to new ideas and perspectives into the world.

You always dragged me back to bed and I always fell asleep immediately, dreaming one day when I grew up and did well in school, and got a good job (and controlled the world), that I could wake up as early as I wanted and watch all the cartoons while you made my breakfast and prepared your lunch.

I wish I had known young-you. But I don't. I know you-you. Now. And whether you or not you had dreams, all I know are the works you've done in my life and the life lessons you've (un)intentionally shared and taught. Maybe you didn't have dreams to travel and read and save the world, but you've driven across the US and traveled to Paris and Bangkok. You can read and speak three or four different languages. And most importantly, you've never given up on me and because of that, you made and saved my world.

Your well-being, happiness, and pride in me (and my siblings) is the most important thing to me so I'm sorry I can't make you happy right now because I'm not married with a family of my own. And no, it's not because I enjoy my freedom and am too irresponsible to take care of other lives (haha okay maybe that is why...or not). It's because I'm trying the best I can to take care of myself right now so that if I'm ever in a situation where I cannot be helped by my hypothetical husband, that I can still hold my own and be on my own two feet.

Happy birthday, Mom. I know you think I take you for granted, but I really don't. Each day away from you is another reason why I love and miss you more. We both know why I cannot be home but it doesn't stop me from wanting to be close to you. You will always, always have the biggest room in my heart and take up the most space in my mind. I'm sorry for being such a twat of a kid. For as horrible and miserable of a daughter as I was, that's how much more I will and do love you.

Love always,
XM

PS - I'm going to share this with you later on the phone when we talk so if I start crying and acting like a drama queen, just hang up on me like you always do.