Candy Crush Is Ruining My Life, Part 2.

Hi. My name is X. And for the past three months, I've been addicted to the Facebook game, Candy Crush. I know I should have stayed away but once I started, I couldn't stop.

It started when my friend blew up her Facebook asking for Candy Crush lives. At first I ignored it. The last time I had gotten involved with a Facebook game, my life was dictated by time intervals of the game and always had me rushing to the nearest computer. I was determined not to let my life go to shambles again. I don't know what possessed me to install it but once it was on my phone and couldn't stop playing.

At first, I was like--Oh this game...so eeeeasy. Whatevs. Then it got difficult. And it wasn't gradual. It was as if the developers wanted everybody to stop playing the game and decided that they'd make the levels impossible.

I was pissed.

In retaliation, I was like--NEVER. I'M GOING TO PLAY THIS GAME SO HARD THAT YOU DAMN DEVELOPERS WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP UP. And I did. I was so hooked that I stopped reading on my commute to play Candy Crush. Instead of eating, I played Candy Crush. Instead of helping LH navigate while he was driving, Candy Crush. Instead of sending out resumes and cover letters, Candy Crush. At the gym, Candy Crush. At work, under my desk, Candy Crush. Out with friends at happy hour, Candy Crush. On the dance floor gettin' mah dancey dance on, Candy Crush.

Candy Crush consumed my life. Candy Crush was life.

And then, it happened. The day I finished all the levels that were offered on mobile. It was VICTORIOUS. But of course, it didn't stop there. I learned that if I opened Candy Crush on a computer, there were more levels. These levels, however, were even more impossible than impossible. I'd spend all my lives in one sitting on one level, never succeeding.

And because my laptop wasn't functioning, I'd stay a few minutes after work each day to play Candy Crush. I'd sit at LH's desktop for hours on the weekends (which was usually our together time) as he napped or played Little Empire or Age of Empire or whatever phone game he was playing at the time. It got so bad that one time he used his phone to turn of his computer so we could "talk." I've never been so crushed in my entire life. I may or may not have cried. In my defense, I've never once pulled a move like that while he was playing COD or LoL. NEVER!!! THERE WAS NO REASON TO BE SO MEAN! I WAS ON SUCH A GOOD ROLL.

Oh shut up, everybody. You're all thinking, But it's just a game, X. Get over it. GET OVER IT?! Oh my goodness, get out of my face. What's there to get over? All I need to do is get to the top of the map. Can't I liiiiiveeee?? Joy-killer!

* * *
Anyway. I think the obsession with this game started because there's a map. And ranks. And there are locked levels. It's like Tetris and Anipang and Bejewled had a threesome and made sweet, sweet love and had a baby and named it Candy Crush. And because I have this shamefulless insatiable need to be on top. I know I can't be the best at everything. Heck, I know that there are hundreds of things I've tried that I suck at (tying my shoes, maths, swimming, putting music on my iPhone, using torrents, breathing when I eat, etc.) so when I find something that I'm particularly good at (Taboo, Candy Crush, putting together puzzles, making jello shots, hosting Thanksgiving dinners, making sammiches, and giving hugs), I'm going to do them however hard and well as I damn please.

Hi. My name is X. Yesterday, I finally finished all the available levels at this time on Candy Crush and now I have so much free time, I don't know what to do with myself. I suppose I should start new hobbies...or finish that 2000 piece puzzle that's been around since Hurricane Sandy (October 2012).

Is this it for me and Candy Crush? I know that they'll be releasing new levels. I don't know when nor if I'll even try to log back in (I probably will) but there's satisfaction in knowing that I've completed what I've set my mind to do, which was to reach the top of the map.

Even if it's a game that hundreds of my Facebook friends have complained and deemed as "stupid" and "pointless."

Suck it, Candy Crush.

PS - Somebody read this and said I was intense. I'm not intense, I'm just friggin' amazeballs, homeskillet. Git on mah level!